Healer of the brokenhearted soul, take these empty hands and make them full (of Your love) Oh God of all else I'm letting go; and I'll praise Your name, You've been faithful through the storm.
Most people know me as the musician of my family and friend groups. There's never a moment where a song lyric or a melody isn't playing in my head. I'm the girl that sings in the shower until I become a prune or the water gets cold. I love music.
King David loved music as well. In Psalms alone, the call to sing occurs sixty times. David loved to praise God, and He often addressed his Psalms to "the chief musician." Even though David loved music, there were many times where he found himself downcast and in despair. All throughout the Psalms, David does some deep soul-searching, as he finds himself wondering why he is so often depressed and forlorn.
Oftentimes, I found myself, over the past couple of months, struggling to find the motivation to praise God. I knew my life had so many blessings and things for which to be thankful, but still I chose to focus on what was going wrong. It was in this time that I had what we in worship call "songwriters block." No matter how many melodies I had created, I just couldn't get any words out.
Finally, my friend Chloe encouraged me to seek out the Psalms to listen and learn about David's struggles and how he reacts to them. At first, I was skeptical; I had always viewed Psalms as the book of praise, not of mourning and sadness. I thought it was just a collection of poems, not a narration of King David's (the man after God's own heart) struggles. I eventually took my sweet friend's advice and had a Jesus nap (a time where you take 3-4 hours to just sit in the Father's lap and read from His Word). This time, my Jesus nap lasted a whole day.
It was a Tuesday, I chose to skip all my classes (sorry, Mom) and just be with God to unpack the message that laid before me. All alone in my quiet little dorm room, I began to read the Psalms. I read and reread the words that seemed to jump right out of the pages and prick my heart. David had such a passion for the Lord, and it made me jealous. I wanted to feel the same way that David felt about God. I wanted to know what it mas like to fall prostate on the ground in complete and total surrender, worshiping the Love of my life, my Savior and King, my God.
That is, until I got to Psalm 42. It was right there on the page, my very thoughts. The exact things I was feeling and thinking seemed to stare right back at me. I felt like David himself had invaded my private thoughts and wrote them for all to see.
What happened in the next few moments rocked my world. Almost as if God Himself was sitting right next to me, I heard His voice call out to me and say, "Why are you putting your trust in things that have no power to save you? Why aren't you running to Me? I'm right here, My hands have been here the whole time. Come into my arms, sweet child, and let me hold your broken heart."
Who is like You, God? What is stronger than Your love? When my world is dark, I will turn to You for refuge.
See, God was always ready for me, waiting to fix my broken heart. He wanted to be my Prince of Peace, my Never-Ending Refuge. God has always been faithful, even when I found myself stuck in what seemed to be the most horrific storms in my life. Through the sickness, the anger, the confusion, the estrangement, and finally the reconciliation and redemption, God was there. He was protecting me as I continuously fought His love and care. And, when I finally came crawling back into His love, there He was, willing to take me in His arms and hold my sore and broken heart.
All my days, You I'll praise. In times of drought, or pouring rain. You hold my aching heart in the same hands that painted the stars.
Through the process of healing, God taught me the lesson of transparency. God has never hidden Himself from me; His thoughts and feelings about me have been as clear as day since day one of my existence. In that moment of learning, I decided that in any circumstance, I was going to be completely honest, both to myself and to God. I was going to be completely undone, willing to let the Holy Spirit take complete control and move in my life. I was merely a character in the story that God was writing for me.
I am undone.
Even though David faced trials and hardships, he still chose to praise God and thank Him. He found that it was in the moments where he felt the weakest that God was the strongest. He allowed God to hold him, and that is exactly how I want to live as well.
And I'll praise you when it's hard, I'll praise you with these scars, and I'll say You hold my aching heart. I am held. I am held by You, Oh God.